Family. Is there anything that dredges up more emotions? Thoughts of family can bring feelings of love, joy, comfort, safety, security, but also, anger, hurt, insecurity, anxiety, and even hate. Our families are where we came from. They helped to make us who we are. Sometimes we’re okay with that. Sometimes not.
I’ve been thinking alot about family (my family in particular) the last few days. Holidays will do that to me (plus I just finished reading a book whose central character was part of a huge, loud, loving Italian family). The thinking has made me feel kind of sad and…..poor.
My memories of growing up are wonderful. On my mother’s side of the family I was the only grandchild and I grew up secure in my place in the family. From an adult perspective I can admit that I was spoiled, especially by my grandmother, Nana. Everyone should have a Nana in their lives. No one has ever loved me as totally or as unconditionally as that woman did. She always had time for me. She would play make-believe, eat endless picnic lunches, build dams and catch crayfish, skip stones, let me raise chickens in her yard, take endless walks through the swamp and woods surrounding her home teaching me about nature, hug me when I hurt (and even when I didn’t), encourage me in everything I did, talk to me about the important things, show me how to just sit and enjoy, and correct me when I needed it.
My mom only had two sisters and they didn’t have any children, though between them they’ve had five husbands (so maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t have kids). My aunts are only 14 years older than me. When I was little they were still kids and had plenty of time to play with me. We were close. I was close to three of the five husbands. Family get-togethers were so much fun with all of us joking and playing games.
My dad’s family was smaller yet. His father had passed on before he married my mom. Grandma was from the old school. Rather stern, strict and old fashioned. She took care of me from time to time, but I don’t remember being close to her. Maybe because I wasn’t my dad’s biological child? She had a stroke when I was 10, that took away her speech and movement on her right side. She lived in a nursing home for the next 11 years. Dad was 16 years older than my mom. His sister, my Aunt Peg, was three years older than he was. She had two sons. The oldest is only a couple of years younger than my mom and the younger is 8 years older than me. Still, I felt like I belonged to a very special bunch of people, because there were tons of second and third cousins around.
Tim comes from a large Catholic family. He is the middle kid of seven. There are a lot of issues there, but when I met him the family was close and a force to be reconded with. His sisters were my best friends. His mother was like a mother to me. In fact, I had the close emotional relationship with her that I’ve never had with my own mother. We were always doing something with someone in the family…..if the whole family wasn’t getting together.
It was great growing up (and even getting married) and knowing I was a part of something bigger than myself. Of being able to say, "I’m Al and Mary’s granddaughter" or "I’m Jack’s daughter" or "Yes, (pick any of my sisters-in-law) is my husband’s sister" and people knew what that meant and knew a lot about me without anything else being said.
It was great having all those built-in relationships. The people to do things with. People who knew where you were coming from. People you might bicker with, but you knew they’d be there if and when you needed them. Same as you’d be there for them.
Then things changed. My mom’s dad died and my aunts and their husbands bickered over the inheritance. Both got divorced shortly thereafter. Both got remarried in short order. The inheritance issue came up again and pitted us and my parents against one of my aunts. My aunt has moved passed it and gets along with my mom, but she and her husband (who is now deceased) decided they hated us and blamed us for them not getting their way even though Tim and I let my mom and dad make all the decisions concerning the sale of my grandfather’s property to them. It’s been over 20 years, the husband has passed on and she has moved to the other side of the country but she can still barely be civil to us. My other aunt simply moved away and I rarely see her.
When my dad died it took a lot of the wind out of the sails of his family. My cousins, who already lived out of the area, came home less and less. I see them only once or twice a year now. When my aunt passes away I don’t expect I will ever see them again.
Tim has always been the "black sheep" of his family, but they always treated him well and included him, if not in the same way and to the same degree they did the rest of them. I think that is why when he and one of his sisters had a falling out (more like WWIII) he took it so hard and became very bitter. We were estranged from the family for three years. Now, we speak again and do some things with them, but even after the death of both of his parents (which helped to repair relationships as much as they are) there is still distance. It will never be the same.
I guess I’m just rambling around here, but maybe it’s because I’m older and wiser or just older, but I find myself missing what our families used to be. I wish it was still there and I feel like I’ve failed my kids, because they only had a precious few years of that with Tim’s family when they were small. Megan missed out on my family completely. They don’t remember the good times and they aren’t especially interested now. Family doesn’t mean to them what it meant to me. I feel like they’ve really missed out on something important. It’s hard not to be sad…and angry, but at whom, I’m not sure.
So, are we the only ones in this boat? Do all the rest of you enjoy big, loving families? Or has it gotten harder and harder as the years go by and circumstances and distance pull you apart? Are families as "got-your-back" as they used to be or is there more of an every-man-for-himself mentality?
You are not alone.
I’m not close with my family anymore, and it probably has a lot to do with them just not being interested, and being jealous of what I have, if you can believe it. I’m one of 5 kids. I hardly see my siblings - and one of my brothers decided about 6 years ago to turn his back on ALL of us. It’s all sad. His decision, though. And I’m closer to my inlaws, and not just because they live closer.
I never had a grandmother, so I do wish I had that. My hubby was practically raised by his grandma - he tells great stories.
I do long for that great family. We can’t pick them, though. I understand all that you write. xoxo
Comment by MamaLee — April 9, 2007 @ 3:23 pm
Well, my circumstances are a little different than yours, but they are hardly unique. I was raised in a very close, strict Irish Catholic family. I came out when I was in college and was disowned by my mother. She threatened to disown my sisters if they even spoke to me. It was a very hard ten years…then she died of breast cancer (still not speaking to me and she died a millionairess and made very sure that nothing was left to me).
But, my sisters and I have made our way back to each other now that my mother is dead. We are a family again. But…yeah, old memories and hurts die hard.
Bing’s family is not particularly close, but they have always accepted us.
Most of our “family” get-togethers are with our friends. We consider them our real family.
Comment by Maria — April 9, 2007 @ 8:20 pm
My dad was always the glue that held the family together. He would invite us all to his house and keep up with all the family news. He was one of nine children and I have fourteen cousins. When he died no one ever stepped in to keep us informed on the activities and we have all drifted away from any core we once had. Very sad for my children.
Comment by jan — April 10, 2007 @ 11:22 am
I LOVE this post, Stacy!! LOVE.
It’s great to learn a little more about YOU.
Since you asked about my family, I think I just might post something similar on my blog in the near future.
But to give you a quick synopsis….
I have one younger brother. I’ve talked many times on my blog how extremely close we are and always have been.
My mom is the oldest of three and we’re very close to her younger sister.
My dad was the third of five. We are closer to his two younger brothers and their families. The only reason we’re not as close to his older siblings is because they’ve always lived far away (Chicago and Kansas City).
My husband is the youngest of three boys. They both live less than 5 miles away and we don’t see them or talk as much as you’d think. It’s sad really.
My MIL is one of FIFTEEN! Yes you read that right, 15. It’s way too complicated to explain this family! LOL
My FIL is the youngest of four…his family has split over inheritance issues also. The two siblings he no longer associates with both live very nearby…the one he is still close to lives in South Bend, IN.
Comment by chesneygirl — April 10, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
Um. what happened to my big long comment????
GRRRRR!!!
Comment by chesneygirl — April 10, 2007 @ 1:09 pm
I’m so glad I read your post! My family is just now breaking apart- I never thought it would happen and like you I’m really sad for my DD and angry too that this is happening. My moms side of the family has always been close- we all get together at least once a month if not more for a birthday party or some holiday. I’ve grown up pretty close to my grandparents and three aunts. All the cousins have too as all 8 of us were born within a span of 10 years. And we’ve kept that up now with our kids now- so far there’s 11 great grandkids and the entire family lives within an hour of each other. But that all changed at the end of January when my grandma passed away. She passed away Sunday morning which also was the same day two of her daughters and their kids/grandkids we’re leaving for a one week cruise vacation from Florida (we all live in MI). Well, we got ahold of the people down in Florida before they even got on the boat to let them know she died and they decided to go on vacation anyways. They couldn’t get a flight or they didn’t pay for the travel insurance, etc. I know there was nothing they could do, but how could you go on vacation when you just found our your mother died? The worst part was my grandpa had to wait a week to bury her. It was so awful. All the arrangements were left to the two daughters up here at home. My mom got mad because they didn’t come home and I don’t blame her. When we were leaving for the funeral, my husband said that this is how families split apart and just go their own ways. I thought he was nuts, we had seen disagreements before in the family, surely us being so close we’d get through this. I’m sad to say it looks like he was right. None of the family is talking to my mom or my sisters or me- even the other sister that was left up here with my mom to do the funeral. Apparently she told the other two sisters my mom was mad and so none of them are talking to her. It’s been a month and a half and nothing. Normally we all get together for Easter brunch and it was just our family. It’s sad because I know my DD won’t have the same experiences I had, but I just know this has happened for a reason. I just keep telling myself that the family she has around loves her so much she doesn’t need the extended family. Maybe one day I’ll actually believe that.
Comment by Christa — April 10, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
I had the wonder of family growing up. I still have aq wo0ndeful family. My sister called today, My daughter is here helping us pack up the old house. My son Patrick and his friend wioll load the Truck Saturday.My other son and family has been helping right along
Comment by Dr John — April 10, 2007 @ 4:23 pm
MamaLee, you are so right about not being able to pick ‘em, but wouldn’t it be nice? Whenever my kids complain about me, I tell them to go to Wal-Mart, ‘cause maybe one of these times they’ll add a section where you can pick up new parents.
Maria, sounds like you and Tim have very similar families (large, Irish, Catholic), but his mom was his one true champion. We get along with everyone now, but there’s always that undertone and it does get tiresome that one (overbearing) sister calls all the shots for the family.
Christa, it sucks and I don’t know if there are rawer wounds than those inflicted by family. And heaven help you, yours are so fresh. I don’t know if your family’s relationships will ever be healed, but I can tell you that eventually the hurt and anger fade and you’re left with more of a sadness, a regret, a longing for what isn’t.
Dr. John, you are truely blessed, but then that’s because you’re such a blessing to others.
Comment by Stacy — April 11, 2007 @ 11:46 am