One Foot on a Banana Peel

That’s what I keep telling myself after my unscheduled hiatus.  In March I downloaded a new anti-virus program.  Since then my internet connection has disappeared 4 times.  The three previous times using the restore system feature solved the problem.  Not this time.

After much swearing, gnashing of teeth, pulling of hair and threats to blowup the computer and possibly Bill Gates, too, I did find that my internet connection was firewalled.  Grrrrr.  This was after the third restoration when I had to reinstall the virus program and intentionally didn’t install the firewall because I suspected it was the problem.  Since I didn’t install that one, apparently Microsoft decided to pick up the slack and turned its firewall back on.  I clicked on the nice buttons to make exceptions to the firewall for my internet connection.  Nothing.  Still no internet.  More poking around found a repair button.  I clicked on that.  Nothing.  Days passed and last night in desperation I went over all the wires and plugs one more time.  Nothing was loose or disconnected.  Still no internet.  I gave up and went to bed.

This morning as I was walking past the computer I happened to look at the little black box for the DSL.  The little green indicator light for the internet was no longer flashing.  It was shining steady.  Could it be?  I turned on the computer and waited impatiently for everything to load then signed into the internet…….and held my breath.  Glory be to whatever saint watches out for us stupid people on the internet because my connection is back.  I don’t know why.  I don’t really care why.  It just better last.  A week without internet was like…….well……it just sucked, okay?

It’s Friday, I haven’t gotten caught up with everyone yet, and I’m feeling lazy so I borrowed this meme from Maria.

1) You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Pick a child molester.  Any child molester.

2) You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
My first thought was Weird Al Yankovick, but then I think I’d rather do away with all the rappers who spew hate and violence.

3) Who would you really just like to punch in the face?
I honestly can’t think of anyone I’m that angry with at the moment.  That’s a good thing, right?

4) What is your favorite cheese?
Swiss.  My kids tell me it smells like feet, but I love it anyway.

5) You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Whole wheat, mesquite smoked turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo.

6) You, Elvis, and Princess Diana are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wasteland with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?

Are we talking about old, fat Elvis or young Elvis?  Cause the man was pretty hot when he was young.  I’d really hate to turn that into dog chow.  However, if it’s old, bloated, drug-addicted Elvis…….he’d definitely slow the wolves down more than Princess Diana.  I also imagine the conversation would be a lot more interesting with Diana.

7) You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no strings attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity?

George Clooney and the new James Bond, Daniel Craig were topping the list until I remembered that Toby Keith was in a movie this year.  Woot!

8) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Again, that would be Toby Keith.   

9) Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a one hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy Shit. How are you gonna spend it?
Well, first off…..I only slept with one person, twice, but yeah, that would be an excellent day.  Now I’ve got an unexpected $100???  Shoes, baby!  Hot little kick butt heels to commorate my sexy, sexy day.

10) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
The Caribbean.  Don’t know or care which island….just somewhere warm and sandy with a whole lot of umbrella drinks handy.

11) Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another one hundred dollar bill. Now that you are in a new location, what are you gonna do?
I believe I already mentioned umbrella drinks.

12) Your dream date. Who, where, and why?
Duh!  Toby Keith doing something relaxed and casual because I like country boys.

13) An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is?

Captain Morgan’s Parrot Bay.

14) Okay, girls and gay guys stand over here, guys and lesbians, over there. Girls and gay guys first: You’re in bed with Marilyn, Monroe, Doris Day, and Salma Hayek. Who’s gonna be the lucky girl? And similarily, guys and lesbians: You’re in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman, and Johnny Depp. Who’s gonna be the lucky guy? Give your reasons.
Can I be a lesbian so I can pick Cary Grant or Johnny Depp?  No?  Well, then I guess Doris Day.  I confess to liking all her movies and she got to work with that hunky (yes, I know he was gay) Rock Hudson.

15) Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time traveling/phone booth. you can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I’d go back to the late 1960s or early 1970s to my Nana’s house.  I’d just be a kid again and let her love me.  I was always the happiest there.

16) You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule that you put into place?
Bow to your queen!  Uh, seriously…..love one another.

17) You have been given the opportunity to create the half hour TV show of your dreams. What is it called and what is it’s premise?
It’s called Homemaking For The Domestically Challenged and it’s for women who don’t have one speck of Martha Stewart in their veins.

18) What is your favorite curse word?
Poop on a stick!  I got it from my son.  I have no idea where he got it.

19) You have a choice of two doors. One of which you MUST go through. The first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?
Clowns.  I’m not really afraid of spiders (except those nasty brown recluse ones) but a whole room full of them might be just a bit icky.

20) Your house is on fire. You have just enough time to run in there and grab one inanimate object. So what’s the item?
My husband.  No, no…..I’M KIDDING!  Not about saving him, just about him being inanimate, though when he’s tired….  Okay, okay, I’d grab the photo albums.

21) One night, you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by mummies. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Wonder where Brendan Fraser is when you need him.

22) You have George W.Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It’s airtight, so both are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them?
A box of gumbands.

23) The angel of death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the angel of death is pretty cool and in a good mood and it offers you a half hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. What are you going to do in that half hour?
Tell my family I love them and soak up as much of them as I can.

24) Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
Purple boy shorts that give me a terrible wedgie.  I hate them but they were the last pair.  The rest are currently in the washer.

25)You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice. What is it going to be?
I can eat anything I want and stay healthy and never ever gain an ounce.

26) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time span can only be a half hour, though. What half hour of your past would you like to experience again?
When my dad and I made peace just before he died.

27) Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment 11 is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Life’s too short.

28) You can erase any horrible experience of your past. What will it be?
Hands down…..when Tim had an affair.

29) Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who’s gonna get it?,
My daughter.  I owe her.

30) You get kicked out of the country for being a time traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super powers. But, you can move to anywhere else in the world. What country are you going to live in now?
Italy, Spain, New Zealand, Australia.  One of those.

31) What part of your body would you change and why?
The whole thing because I got fat, that’s why.

32) You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it going to be?
I kind of liked Maria’s answer….Gilley’s the bar from Urban Cowboy.  That place looked like a ton of fun.  I think I’d like to try out Toby Keith’s ‘I Love This Bar & Grill’ too.

33) What’s the last thing you ate?
A pepperoni roll.

34) Suddenly you have gained the power to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
My daughter cause she’d think it was totally cool.

35) The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radio-active vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the power to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Princess Diana.  She did a lot of good in the world and maybe folks would leave her alone the second time around.  Plus it would be nice if she could see her boys.

36) The celestial gates of Beyond have opened. Much to your surprise, Death appears. As it turns out, once again, Death is actually a pretty cool entity and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family member/person of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Oh man….I loved my Nana so she’d naturally be my first choice, but then, she did know my kids.  My Pappy died before they were born and my son is named after him.  It’d be nice if he could meet the kids.

37) What’s your theme song?
Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson

38) When did you last have sex?
About 30 questions ago.  Don’t you remember?

39) Buffy, Willow, or Xander?
I really can’t say because I don’t know who Willow and Xander are.

40) Who’s up next?
Anybody that wants to be.